Hi guys. This is something I've been meaning to write about for ages, because being naturally submissive I've explored the subject a great deal. What has put me off writing about it, is that it is such a complex subject and, combined with an escort/client relationship, it becomes even more complex. However, I think it's worth a try because more than half of the people who write to me are interested to a degree in exploring this area.

There are a lot of dominatrix services on offer, along with fully-equipped dungeons etc. However, these mostly appeal to experienced submissives and I thought it worth writing some thoughts/guidelines for those who are not experienced but would like to try bondage and domination. Additionally, there are very few submissive escorts around (or ones who openly advertise as such) and again it's worth exploring approaches for those who are not 'hard core' but would like to explore their dominant side.

The most important thing to remember is that bondage and domination require a great deal of trust on both sides. This means that not only do you have to trust the other person to stick to whatever you have agreed to beforehand but also to understand what it is you want and what you definitely don't want. Intelligence as well as sincerity is therefore essential. The ideal way forward I think is to establish communication with the escort, via email or phone, explaining what you are looking for, and then set up a first meeting in which you can get to know each other and talk about your fantasies and limits. Unless you are 100% sure of each other when you meet (ie you 'click' instantly) I would stick to 'vanilla' sex on the first date, maybe playing a bit with ideas and scenarios, but definitely no bondage, gags or blindfolds. Click here for BDSM Escorts >>>

Client as Submissive

Unless you are an experienced submissive, the best thing is to start gently and build up over time. You ideally need to find an escort who is available to see you on a regular basis, so that you can explore your limits gradually. Try to articulate to yourself beforehand what the important elements of your fantasy actually are. Some submissives are mostly into the psychology of the whole scenario and do not want to get 'hurt', whilst others are turned on by actual pain. In my experience a lot of guys' idea of being dominated is to be tied up, verbally abused and 'used' as a sex-slave by a woman dressed in rubber and stilettos. But having the flesh torn from their backs leaves them cold. Best to explain this fully before you are tied up and gagged and suddenly see the torture instruments being prepared.

Remember - you should always have a 'safe' word (ie a word or a gesture which means STOP IMMEDIATELY) and you should always be specific about absolute no-no's (eg tell-tale marks which last for a week afterwards). Don't expect too much from the first session. Your mistress needs to get to know you, and this takes time. If she is good, she will learn what your limits are and how to take you up to them without pushing you too far, but you have to give her a chance! If certain forms of humiliation turn you on - eg being made to wear women's clothes and being fucked with a strap-on - let her know. She's not a mind-reader. Likewise, if there are certain things which do nothing for you at all. But keep an open mind - it's always worth trying something, even if you don't imagine that you will like it, as long as it isn't going to do permanent damage.

If your mistress is experienced, she will know what to do to turn you into an obedient and satisfying slave. However, if she is inexperienced, you will be learning together. So be careful. Bad experiences I have heard about include a guy having to go to hospital because his 'dom' poured amyl nitrate down his nostrils and another guy being in severe agony after his testicles were beaten. There are certain things which should be clearly explained in advance! And also remember that there is a strong psychological side to submission which may bring out things from your subconscious that you weren't prepared for. Let your mistress know if this is happening, so that she can take it into account. Click here for domination escorts >>>

Client as Dom

This is a harder scenario to accomplish because there are few escorts who openly advertise this service. Some of the ones who do advertise as submissive are actually masochistic - ie they are turned on by pain and lots of it. If you are seeking to dominate in imaginative ways rather than simply to abuse, it may be difficult to find a good match, and you need to do some research. There are escorts around who are open to exploring their submissive side with the 'right' person and it's a case of 'softly softly'. The reason why submissive escorts often don't advertise as such, is because there is an obvious safety issue. Additionally, it is hard when you are in a submissive role to enforce the usual rules of a client/escort relationship - eg payment on arrival, time deadlines etc. So if anything is going to work there needs to be absolute trust and respect on both sides. As above, bondage, gagging, blindfolds etc should be left out of a first meeting unless you are both 100% certain of each other from the moment you meet. I also think that you should only operate a sub/dom relationship inside of distinct sessions. There should be a definite start and an end. During normal communication, and when the escort first arrives/leaves, you should relate to her as an equal, showing respect and courtesy. Otherwise, lines can very easily become blurred. If she ends up becoming your live-in slave - that's different!

Once you get to know each other, you can introduce things slowly. Find out what part of being submissive appeals to her. It may be being tied up, or being ordered to do things, it may be being spanked or whipped, or used as a sexual plaything. Bondage could mean anything from silk scarves to chains. Don't assume that her idea of being submissive is the same as yours. My personal experience of being submissive is that it frees me from responsibility for my actions, giving me licence to fulfil all of my fantasies. Of course, it's not much good if the other person's fantasies don't correspond with mine. I am adamantly *not* a masochist, and want to enjoy the whole experience. It becomes the responsibility of my dominator to ensure that I can explore my kinkiest fantasies safely and in a controlled environment. So it is a complex role - there is a caring, almost paternal side to it, as well as the desire to control and use another person's sexuality. Domination does not mean brutality and cruelty - it is a fine balance of tenderness and firmness. If you develop a regular relationship with a sub escort, this role will develop more and more.

It's a good idea to plan each session in detail beforehand, even if you don't share all of it with your submissive in advance. You don't want to run out of ideas halfway through. And remember to agree limits before each session and to use a gesture or safe word to mean 'STOP'. I think a good system is Traffic Lights, whereby the submissive says 'Amber' if she is feeling decidedly unhappy/uncomfortable and 'Red' if she wants you to stop immediately. But of course if she is gagged, she needs a sign language alternative.

Equipment/Ideas

Whether you are sub or dom, it may be fun to take your escort shopping to somewhere like Honor to buy some 'toy's and outfits. Many submissive escorts prefer to bring their own equipment (for health/safety reasons and also because it is easier for them to judge their own limits with equipment they are used to). So if you are going to buy something in advance, ask first!

With some imagination, some very everyday items can become erotic instruments of pleasure (and pain). A hairbrush can give a good spanking, a pair of stockings are good for tying up and a dog's lead has definite pulling power. Scarves can be used as masks, small balls (no, I didn't mean yours - I meant rubber balls) can serve as gags and a good supply of rope is always useful. Hot candle wax is an effective form of torture, which doesn't leave lasting marks. (But make sure that you keep a distance between the flame and the victim, and only use on shaved skin, as it's very difficult to get wax out of hair). Things to buy might include leather or velcro cuffs (metal handcuffs are a bit severe and can leave marks), a whip, a riding crop, a vibrator and nipple clamps. But again, always check before you use any of these that the escort is happy with them. Also, if you are using hotel rooms - choose your hotel carefully and exercise caution!

Switching

A lot of people say that in order to be a good dom, you have to experience the other side of the coin and vice-versa. In fact, most doms have a submissive side and most subs have a dominant side. So, occasionally, try it out the other way around. It will let you appreciate more fully what it's like to be on the other side and may well give you a few more ideas....

The most important thing to remember with bondage/domination is that it should be something positive for both parties. In order for it to work, the relationship has to be fully reciprocal. And that is perhaps the most interesting thing about sub/dom relationships: ultimately each is dependent on the other's pleasure for their own.

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