Is female domination the other side of domination? Far from it. Anyone expecting to find as much information on this topic as on male domination in the BDSM scene will be largely disappointed. While there is a lot of information on female submissiveness, there is very little – at least in the private sphere – on female domination.
There are many beautiful private websites run by submissive women online. Websites run by dominatrixes are mostly commercial ventures. On the other hand, the private online presence of dominant women often veers into feminist territory.
Not that we particularly regret this, as we believe it’s a perfectly legitimate form of female empowerment. However, it’s not for everyone. Dominant female desire can and should have its own place alongside emancipatory approaches.
No need to launch a full-blown campaign against masculinity just because the ladies take the dominant role (sexually). But what does female desire look like in the realm of femdom?
To be clear from the outset, this is primarily about its public portrayal, not the actual situation in the bedroom or wherever sexuality might be taking place. Our research has given us the impression that it (almost) doesn’t exist. This starts with the search for e-cards.
Anyone who has ever tried to send a picture of a handsome, tormented slave has likely been driven to despair. The few submissive male beings that a woman (or sub, to please her) can find are like the personification of the deepest male desires.
Yes, of course, it’s difficult to meet female aesthetic standards. But a little more effort, please.
Most appealing erotic depictions of men are still found in the gay community. When a woman looks at them, she feels like entering a closed world where femininity isn’t valued. A depiction for the viewer, not for the female viewer. A kind of eroticism we don’t share. Beautiful in itself, but it doesn’t appeal to us and shouldn’t.
What’s left? Making our own!
At this point, the question inevitably arises: why are there so few erotic depictions of men? Is woman, by nature, more of an emotional creature than a visual one? Well, that certainly seemed to be the case in advertising for many years.
Is it simply a matter of time in the BDSM scene? We think so; let’s just wait and see.
If women haven’t traditionally been seen as visual creatures, language is undeniably their forte. So, we should have better luck with stories in our search. However, as the educated reader will have already guessed: unfortunately, no such luck. The best stories we’ve received so far have come from our submissive partners and as responses to personal ads (which isn’t bad, is it?).
Oh, not that there aren’t countless stories from submissive men who meticulously write down their fantasies. And what would a dominant woman be without the fantasies of a man, which are what make him the perfect object of her desires in the first place? However, descriptions of female pleasure in domination are very rare.
But why is there such a lack of female dominant desire in erotic stories? What distinguishes it from stories about submissive female desire (which, incidentally, is often linked to actual lived experiences)? Are we supposed to just enjoy The Duke of Burgundy or Below Her Mouth?
A bold hypothesis: those who fulfill their fantasies no longer write about them! There’s certainly some truth to that. This would also mean that many male submissive fantasies could be unfulfilled dreams.
Nevertheless, female lived fantasies can also be found online, in books, stories – an intense exploration of one’s own self, feelings, and the recognition and development of those feelings.
In answering this question, we can only offer our own experiences and reasons why, for example, we don’t create such pages ourselves, posting beautiful photos of male submissives and fantastic stories. And even this is just a small part of our experience.
Realizing a self-determined life is always important. We also can’t deny a certain inclination towards feminism. When we spend all day arguing with our (still) predominantly male colleagues, we often simply don’t feel like being dominant anymore in the evening. And we rarely feel like sitting down at the computer and writing wild stories.
When we do manage to write one, our not-so-developing talent often gets in the way (just like with photography), so that such stories read like a fourth-grade essay. And if it does turn out to be a successful story, two thousand years of male-dominated conditioning will blink: You can’t write it like that, that’s unfair, you can’t oppress men just because they’ve done it for centuries.
This “yes, we can and we want to” attitude takes a lot of energy. And how do we reconcile that with the desire for a partnership? Do we want that, to only be the wicked dominatrixes on weekends? Or should we just take the plunge with partners who actually enjoy that? It’s worth a try, no matter what. Because – especially in a relationship – we are many other things besides being dominant.
It’s a game between two equal partners, and if we really feel the need to be completely un-partnered and wicked, then we’ll just lift up the skirt during negotiations…
Finding this distinction between pleasurable domination and the enforcement of equality in real life takes some time, because you can’t see one as completely separate from the other. And we’re still working on it.