The question of the “meaning,” or rather the how and why, of SM sessions WITHOUT traditional intercourse ending with orgasm is frequently asked. The saying “Sadomasochists don’t have sex” persists as a not entirely serious running joke throughout the scene’s forums. But what’s the real story behind “SM without sex”?
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You may ask:
“But where does that lead? You’re totally worked up – do you just stop then, or how are we supposed to imagine that!? Is it possibly not even about sex? And if not, then what is it about?”
For us, a session can definitely be arousing in the usual sense – that is, connected with sexual excitement. Pain stimuli then remain at a low level; excursions into “real pain” are brief and quickly balanced out by more pleasant sensations, alternating with erotic stimuli.
That’s quite nice and can certainly lead to intercourse with orgasm or an orgasm achieved through other stimulation. However, this then puts an end to the desire for MORE, or rather, one doesn’t even get to the other dimension of enjoyment “following the sexual arousal curve,” which allows surfing on the “pleasure-pain” when it’s no longer just pleasure.
We like playing with sexual arousal while incorporating soft BDSM stimuli. It’s something that “always works” when partners get along well and there are no conflicts currently clouding the relationship. It doesn’t require any particular psychological state, mood, or strength, and it’s enjoyable and satisfying, but doesn’t offer any extraordinary “highs”.
The other excitement
It’s different when, after a gentle phase, the pain stimuli are intensified so that sexual desire can no longer follow and simply dissipates. This “loss” isn’t a problem then, because a greater, more comprehensive arousal builds up and develops into a euphoric elation: intense feelings of physical strength, powerful desire that vibrates in every cell. Light, spontaneous, and exuberant emotions – completely unburdened by any need to “behave” or restrain oneself.
Depending on the style of the session, a controversial, combative atmosphere can also be created with the Dom: mutual provocations, escalation – OR it’s more about the sensual-physical level and the Sub is allowed to sink into the stream of swirling feelings…
The excitement of a BDSM session that is NOT centered on sex stems significantly from the fact that there is NO defined goal and NO specific object at stake. With conventional sex, one usually has a concrete idea of the course of events, the behavior before, during, and after, perhaps concerns about the partner’s satisfaction/orgasm, and so on.
In a really intense BDSM session, there’s nothing comparable (of course, this is just based on our experience). The dominant partner can always add a new cruelty, challenge, task, or other form of torment – there are hardly any limits to creativity, except for the physical and mental fitness of those involved.
How you finish
This means that such a session comes to a successful end when both partners have reached a certain level of exhaustion. On the submissive side, all resistance then disappears, and total relaxation sets in, which is experienced as a pleasantly blissful state. Ideally, the dominant partner feels they have fully explored their desires and now need at least a longer break.
Once you both come down and land, somewhat exhausted, on the mattress, it’s quite possible that after a short rest, the physical closeness will rekindle the desire, leading to another round of sex – a nice bonus, but not essential. Because you’re really worn out.
Yes, THAT’S how – for example – “SM without sex” works.
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