When the topic of humiliation comes up in a BDSM community, opinions are divided: some reject all practices that could be perceived as degrading. Others deny their humiliating nature, arguing that everything is consensual. Many, however, admit to being turned on by humiliation and aroused by it, but we rarely read anything about why this is the case.
In society, the practice of humiliating one’s partner in an erotic context is far more taboo than inflicting and enjoying physical pain. And yet, even “vanilla” people play with humiliation, for example in “dirty talk,” or when a woman acts particularly “slutty” or is treated that way (hot slut!).
In the SM scene, humiliating practices are not always so sexually related – for example:
- The popular “plate scene”, in which the submissive has to eat under the table without using their hands, while the dominant partner dines in style,
- The using of the sub as a piece of furniture or candle holder,
- Having someone perform “lowly tasks”, such as cleaning (naked or somewhat ridiculously costumed)
- The “showing off” of the sub at SM parties or in sessions with several people
This can extend to verbal humiliation, slapping, spitting, or temporary ignoring. Male subs also appreciate “forced feminization” as a humiliating treatment (significantly, there is no equivalent for the female sex).
Psychological pain is caused by feelings of humiliation, degradation, uncertainty, anxiety, powerlessness, worry and fear. In sadomasochism, the most common psychological pain is humiliation. But humiliating behaviour exists in general. These feelings can be created through verbal statements or actions, such as verbally reprimanding the submissive, demanding demeaning or embarrassing acts from the submissive, or leaving them alone in a vulnerable situation, etc.
Simply perverse?
But why do so many people find this most common psychological pain exciting? Why would anyone want to experience something they simultaneously reject completely in their everyday life?
Wherever this question is asked, quite a few people feel compelled to tell how pointless and superfluous they consider such “brooding.” They defiantly and aggressively proclaim: I’m just perverse, and that’s a good thing!
This is clear proof that there’s no such thing as an “innate SM gene” that inevitably brings with it a few exotic preferences. Everything we experience has its reasons and conditions – whether it’s the perverse pleasure of meatloaf or the profound lust for erotic “humiliation”.
The inclination for humiliation and its specific longings should be seen as an unconscious striving for completeness, for independence from external confirmation, for wholeness and inner peace.
This might sound rather esoteric to some, but it’s meant quite practically: A WHOLE person can feel ALL feelings and sensations there are: joy and sorrow, happiness and sadness, courage, shame, fear, defiance, anger, compassion, and much more. When someone is truly “in touch with themselves” and hasn’t erected inner walls against certain feelings, they react spontaneously to life’s challenges, feel the emotions, and express them just as spontaneously. Nothing is suppressed or bottled up; the emotions and feelings pass as quickly as they arise.
The emotional armor
Not so if you’ve internally “armed” yourself against certain feelings, or even shut yourself off from them! Many men, for example, can’t cry, and many women find it difficult as well. In BDSM, many times a desire for extreme experiences in the realm of pain is also rooted in the longing to finally reach a state where crying is possible again. It may take numerous experiments on the “masochistic playing field” before you manage to allow yourself to feel soft and vulnerable again and even burst into tears – until then, you just put on a stiff upper lip.
It’s a conscious decision (almost an active, inner process) not to cling to inner rigidity, but to truly allow yourself to be touched. It would be a mistake to think that one would somehow be “overwhelmed” by the actions of the dominant partner – no, we learn to navigate around our own stubbornness, and it is a wonderful discovery to finally be able to cry again! This also means being able to reconnect with a whole range of softer feelings and sensitivities that we may have had cut off from through our development into the determined person we are now: vulnerability, childlike spontaneity, tenderness, shyness, genuine compassion. We become more sensitive after being able to cry again.
Humiliation is not much different: the inclination craves it, but we only recognize the “nasty side” of these feelings, and it is certainly disconcerting to be aroused by it in an erotic context. But what is “the other side” of humiliation?
Someone who can’t be humiliated by anything or anyone because they’ve built up a thick emotional shell won’t know this, but might feel the longing to experience it. And what better way to do that than within the controlled framework of a BDSM relationship, where the partners know each other well, trust each other accordingly, and are fully aware that – beyond the physical and psychological “practices” – the relationship is characterized by love and respect?
Clarification and resolution
Understanding the origins of such emotional armor is something only each individual can do. On the one hand, society raises and conditions us to appear as strong and invulnerable as possible. This alone creates a psychological imbalance, a certain chronic tension in our emotional lives that we no longer consciously feel, yet it exerts a powerful, underlying influence. Many people have childhood experiences that necessitated a complete internal defense against pain and humiliation in order to somehow survive and avoid despair. These don’t always have to be major scandals (like explicit child abuse); even less spectacular forms of parenting failure can cause a child to become psychologically “frozen.” Influences from outside the family environment and later experiences can also have or exacerbate these effects.
Depending on how raw the old wounds still are, it may or may not be important to ask about the triggering experiences. In our experience, relevant memories surface as soon as the protective shell begins to melt away – there’s no need to overthink it! Far more important and beneficial than “clarification” is actually the “resolution” of the blockages – and some are able to experience this within the context of fascinating BDSM scenarios.